Many children will experience a time in their lives when they feel worried and fearful about something that’s happened at school and they may say that they don’t want to go. This is very common and can often be resolved with understanding and reassurance.
For some young people, however, the problem becomes long lasting and this can be extremely distressing for the young person and for their parents or carers. It requires a sensitive approach, centred around the needs of the young person and their specific situation.
What if my child is constantly anxious about attending school?
As a therapist, many of the young people I work with are experiencing severe anxiety, burn out and emotional overwhelm, relating to school-based anxiety or trauma. When this happens, parents are often left in a situation where they don’t know where to turn for help.
School phobia, or school-related anxiety, can lead to school refusal, sometimes known as emotionally based school avoidance. There’s been a huge surge in this since lockdown, as evidenced in a survey by the youth mental health charity, Stem4, linking school absenteeism to emotional wellbeing. The Guardian reported on this in February 2024:
‘Almost three in 10 secondary pupils are avoiding going to school because doing so would make them anxious, a new survey has found.
Across the UK, 28% of 12 to 18-year-olds have not attended school over the last year for that reason, with experts warning that many stayed away because they would have felt unable to cope.’
How can I help my child to feel less anxious about school?
- Encourage your child to be open about their worries. To develop their emotional awareness, children need to feel listened to and that their emotions are important. Listen carefully, try to validate their feelings, and allow them to understand their own emotions. If your child struggles with the language or ability to describe their feelings, encourage them to notice any physical sensations they experience when they have these feelings. So, for example, a child might say “when I think about going to school, my tummy hurts.”
- Help to reduce their fear by normalising their stress responses. Share examples of when you experience strong negative emotions yourself, for example, “when I’m worried, my body gets tense, my mouth goes dry, my heart races and my chest feels tight.” Explain that these are normal stress responses, experienced by everyone at times.
- Look for patterns in timing. See if there are any patterns to when a child’s anxiety increases. Maybe it’s related to a particular day of the week, or a specific lesson or teacher. It’s also helpful to speak to the class teacher about your child’s concerns.
- Look for behaviour patterns. You may notice an increase in difficulty sleeping, bedwetting, experiencing nightmares, being unusually withdrawn or angry or stopping doing activities that they usually enjoy. These can be signs that your child is experiencing difficult emotions, but they may not be able to understand them or express them. Gathering information from school and possibly their friends and siblings, can help increase your understanding and provide valuable clues to the situation.
- Choose your time carefully. It’s important to allow your child to talk at a time that works for them. Often children find it easier to talk when they’re doing enjoyable activities such as craft or cooking, or when going out for a walk. They may want to avoid talking about difficult things when they return from school, but may want to talk to you later on that evening. It’s important to allow the time to listen when the child wants to talk to you.
- Help them to calm down. You may notice when your child comes home from school, that they’re in a state of high anxiety or expressing anger. Try breathing activities, blowing bubbles or sensory activities, such as jumping on the trampoline or throwing a ball, to help them to relax and rebalance their emotions. Some children may need time alone to play a game or do a craft activity, to help their brains to regulate and to wind down after school.
- Celebrate the positives. Encourage your child to tell you about the times when they feel happy and safe at school and what they enjoy about it. By identifying the positive commonalities, you can build on these and work out what your child needs to feel safe and well-supported enough to attend school, without them experiencing overwhelming negative emotions.
- Communicate with school. Help school to understand that the attendance issues are due to school-based anxiety, rather than a behavioural issue. It may be there are simple adjustments that school can make, such as a pass to leave a lesson when they need to, going into school slightly later, or having a reduced timetable. This may be enough to support your child in being reintegrated into school.
- Consider whether your child may be neurodiverse. Many of the children and young people I see at therapy are neurodiverse, with a diagnosis of autism and ADHD, or another form of learning disability. This may be worth looking into, if you suspect that your child may be exhibiting some of the symptoms. I will be covering this more in future blog posts, but additional information can be found from How to get an autism assessment – NHS (www.nhs.uk) The diagnostic assessment (autism.org.uk)
It’s important to remember that if your child’s anxieties, feelings and beliefs about school have built up over time, that it will also take time to reduce them. Feeling heard, understood and supported by their parents, makes a big difference in reducing young people’s anxiety. You don’t have to do it all alone though. As a former nurse and a therapist, I support not only young people, but parents too, to reduce anxiety all round . With my personal experience as a parent to a child with autism and severe school-related anxiety, I am well-equipped to assist parents and children to achieve emotional well-being. I provide a unique and holistic service that assists families in establishing a nurturing space that encourages recovery and resilience equipping them with strategies for a lifetime of emotional health.
For more information or to organise a discovery call to chat about how I can help please contact me here
https://carolinesuttonhypnotherapy.co.uk/
References
‘Nearly a third of UK secondary pupils avoid school due to anxiety, survey finds’ The Guardian, February 2024